This is me, and I have a question.

If I am 38 years old and these are still my favorite shoes;

And this is the (metal)lunchbox that I take to my office;

Do I have to formally admit that I’m a nerd, or is it just assumed?

So Michaella Jean is cutting short her European trip and racing back home to the motherland to contemplate a rather astounding decision in her role of Governor General. Suddenly she has a whole bundle of crap in her hand and she needs to figure out a way to untangle it while insuring Canadian people a sense of confidence in their elected government.

Will Harper opt for proroguing parliament? Does his arrogance stretch that far? I can’t imagine him doing it but then again, I couldn’t imagine the Liberals & the NDP jumping into bed with a separatist party in order to seize control of the country. Can it get any more strange? Apparently so.

The non-confidence vote is December 8th and should Harper lose the vote (almost a given at this point) the choices are all relatively new ground for us Canucks.

Jean could call another election (Oh fuck. No. Please no. I beg of you, NO!)

She could accept Harper’s bid to prorogue parliament if he does in fact take the “tuck tail and run” route. However, being that this is uncharted territory, there are questions arising if Michaelle Jean can say no to proroguing–the situation has never before arisen under these bizarre circumstances. Parliament hasn’t wrapped up their agenda, they’ve just barely begun! All Harper would accomplish is having the non-confidence vote deferred to fall and with Dion, Duceppe & Layton all tasting the fresh blood in their mouths, they’re not about to give up even if there is a lengthy delay. However,  by that time, Dion will no longer be the leader of the party that hopes to lead the coalition…… Do you have a raging freaking headache yet? Pop a couple aspirin because there’s still more.

Jean could approve the mini coup currently taking place and hand the country over to the brand spanking newly minted coalition which is only able to succeed with the backing of the separatist party. How does this even make sense? To snatch power from sweater man which they feel would be in Canada’s best interest, they needed the promise not to block from the man who wants the country to be pieced apart.

Whatever happens, these are very interesting times in Canadian politics. The questions and the uncertainty are pushing our little drama onto a larger stage, comparable (in small part) to the recent US elections and it’s ground breaking change. The main difference being that interest in what’s happening over here is for all of the wrong reasons.

The big boys in Canadian politics are having a pissing match.

So it kinda sounds like there is a coup brewing! However, as this is Canada, the heavy arms and storming of parliament are replaced by late night nicey-nice meetings fueled by Tim Horton’s finest. The NDP & the Liberals have already gone ahead hammered out a stimulus package and are ready to take the reigns from Harper’s clenched white fist should Governor General Michaelle Jean give them the nod.

Hang on……… Didn’t we just vote in October? Why did we even bother if the opposition parties were just going to say “Naw, fuck it, lets chase him out with a stick and do it ourselves. Who gives a shit how people voted.” Don’t get me wrong here, I DIDN’T vote for Harper so I’m not pissed about the possibility of him being run out because I want him and his sweaters in charge, I pissed on principal and I’m pissed because these guys can’t seem to get their fucking shit together. Scrap the millions spent on the election held less than 2 months ago, lets just have one vote. “Hey Michaelle! Your call sugar pie. Whatever you decide is fine, we’ll roll with it.”

Will a coalition government work? I don’t think anyone can say for certain because we sure as hell don’t have a lot to compare it with. There have been several at the provincial level, but the last coalition on the federal level was Sir Robert Borden’s very short lived and war inspired “Union Government” in 1917 and he doesn’t seem to be taking any calls. At this point, I am seriously beginning to think that our country would be better served if led by a troupe of fucking monkeys. Oh wait, that’s what we have right now.

Shit. We’re screwed.

Consider this a Prop 8 pictorial for idiots. Stupid people tend to like visuals.

It is November fucking 27th and 5 houses on my block have had their Christmas lights up for the last three god damn weeks!

wtf?

Can’t we pass some sort of legislation (punishable by a combo of fire ants and honey or whatever it is that those little fuckers like) that CLEARLY states at date that is appropriate to hang that shit? Early last week–making it mid November for those of you counting–a house a block over from me put out a giant glowing inflatable Rudolph and as the breeze hits said creepy eyesore, Rudolph’s “skin” ripples like a fat kid on a trampoline. Why is it that you crazy Colin & Justin’s home heist watching freaks feel it necessary to deck the fucking halls 2 months early? Seriously! WHY? Is it time to reevaluate your mediation perhaps or have you just never shaken that childhood desire to be frolicking in the North Pole with visions of sugar plums dancing in your head? Yes….we all secretly want to walk around holding hands and singing “Wah hoo wha hoo, la hoo la.”

You people are DIRECTLY responsible for the fact that by the time Christmas finally does roll around I’m ready to kick the shit out of anyone dressed as an elf and I twitch during the 87th celebrity version of Silent fucking Night on the radio. By December 15th I’m looking to roundhouse kick Santa and all of his sleigh toting slaves. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas. I usually spend it making stew and and then driving around handing it out to people I find in the alleys. This year I’m shaking it up a bit & Steve and I will help serve dinner at the mission on Christmas eve. I also ALWAYS put money in the Salvation Army kettles that you see outside of malls & (not surprisingly) liquor stores. This one is a definite no matter how broke I am because growing up, more than a few of our Christmas’ were thanks to them and never once did they make my mother or us three kids feel poor. They acted as though they were thankful that we could be there, like it wouldn’t have been a Christmas party without us. That is something that I will never forget.

Having shared that warm and fuzzy kumbaya singing moment, I STILL HATE YOU FUCKERS THAT DECORATE YOUR YARDS/HOMES MONTHS BEFORE THE ACTUAL EVENT! Your obnoxious exuberance for the season makes the 25th rather anticlimactic for all of us normal non-spawn of Martha Stewart folks. It is totally unnecessary and completely ridiculous.

Needless to say, those of you who leave them up all fucking year long are in a whole other class of jackass that I simply do not have the energy to rant about today.

These two stories were both considered “front page news” at the online Globe & Mail. Both involve Canadians in harms way (though one by team alone). Story one, story two.

Both were given equal importance. It makes me sad for us all.